Recently, someone close to me came to me with exciting news.  They were essentially being offered a job with better and more flexible hours and better pay.  They were completely stoked, since they’re current job doesn’t quite “do it” for them, and this new one would give them a chance to make some really positive changes to their life.  I was extremely happy for them and told them that I thought it was a great opportunity and I really hoped they’d get it.  There was a pause before they said, “Well, I’m not getting my hopes up.”

            I’ve heard and used that phrase so many times in my life that without thinking I gave my automated and standard response.  I nodded in sympathy and agreed that maybe that was best.

            But lately I’ve been making an effort to do something new – think.   Sometimes it takes some extra effort.  Just look around and you’ll see fine examples of people are NOT making the same effort.  But me, I’ve been giving it a shot, and at this point I’d had just enough practice to catch myself using an “old stand-by” instead of putting real effort into my reaction.  And it occurred to me that if you’re not getting you’re hopes up, then what’s the point?

            I know WHY people say it.  It’s because we don’t want the crashing disappointment that comes if we don’t get what we want.  That’s understandable.  No one likes to be disappointed.  Look at what happens to you when you’ve been let down:

1. You lose your energy.  When you suffer a great disappointment, your personal energy goes crashing down.  You may lose sleep.  It may be hard to get any rest.  You may have trouble focusing on current projects or beginning new ones.
2. You lose your drive.  When you’ve been let down, you enter a sort of valley between two peaks.  You’ve come down in a big hurry, but climbing the next peak takes too much effort.  Why bother climbing to the top?  You’re just going to come back down again!
3. You have self doubts.  I’m not good enough.  I can’t do it.  What was I thinking?  Your self image has taken a blow and now it’s tough to shake the feelings of failure.
4. You become gun shy.  The next time a good opportunity comes around, you are a little more wary.  You’re less likely to jump right on board and take a chance.  You may tend to play it safe and stick with what you have rather than risk disappointment by chasing after something better.

So “not getting your hopes up” is a perfectly understandable defense mechanism.  Who wants to go through all of that?  Self-concept and personal fortitude are so important to our daily success – why would we ever want to jeopardize it by allowing ourselves to “hope for something better?”  We have four very good reasons not to.  But let’s use our brand new thinking powers to see if we can change the way we perceive this.

Energy -  Yes.  When you’re disappointed you lose your juice.  You can’t bring yourself to tackle new projects or even give 100% to current ones.  But that’s exactly WHY you should get your hopes up!  Think about it – when you first get the good news that there’s some potential great thing on the horizon, you can hardly sleep because you’re so worked up.  You’re jazzed, you have energy to spare.  This is the PERFECT time to focus your energy on work.  Organize your office or home.  Create a list of ideas that you might want to follow up on.  Sit down and write the outline for that novel you’ve been thinking about.  The point is, you have this energy…USE it for something!  Don’t let it go to waste!  You already know that if you don’t get your dream job or the book deal falls through or your free trip to Europe gets cancelled that you’re going to be in a slump.  You probably won’t feel much like being creative or innovative at that point so you’ll really be glad you used your energy so well before hand!

Drive -  It’s tough to pick yourself up when you’ve been let down.  But if you use that hopeful energy to create plans and to lay groundwork for future projects, you’ll find it a little easier to build up the momentum you need to see you through the tough times.  You may get a little bogged down, but you won’t come to a complete stop.  You’ll have just enough push behind you, if you prepare for it, to see you through just about any situation.  Drive is a funny thing.  People who are considered “driven” sometimes seem intense, maybe even workaholics.  But the truth is that “drive” is all about momentum.  Having the next project ready to begin before the first one is finished is how you keep going.  Preparation and organization can give you the momentum to get passed the “down time” of disappointment.  Use your hopeful energy and drive to prepare for your next work.  Like the aphorism says, “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.”

Self Doubts -  Take a look at the best-sellers list and you’ll spot a few “Self-help” books.  Books on leadership skills, books on developing personal strength – no matter what the overall topic may be they almost always have at least one common characteristic.  They flat out tell you, no bones about it, that self-confidence is one of the keys to success.  Your self-concept determines your direction and your future level of accomplishment.  You can use your hopeful energy to build and boost your self-concept.  Take some time to do a little journal writing and compliment yourself on your good qualities.  Tell yourself why you are perfect for this new opportunity that has your hopes up.  Write elaborate plans for your future.  Dream a little.  Take some time to just compliment yourself on what a great job you do in your day to day life.  Fill your head with as many positive messages as possible, because if you get the opportunity you were hoping for this will make you all the more efficient and successful at it.  And if you don’t get it, this will help keep your attitude upbeat and strong so you can move on to the next great opportunity.

Gun shy -  Failure breeds failure.  That’s what you hear from the world around you.  Honestly, though, why would you believe something that is so obviously false?  Thomas Edison is reputed to have tried 10-thousand variations before he finally invented a working light bulb.  When asked how he kept going after so many failures, he exclaimed, “I have not failed even once!  I’ve only discovered 9,999 ways how NOT to invent a light bulb!”  Failure of any kind can be a success, especially if you’re making a conscious effort to make it so.  Just because this great opportunity came and went and in its wake left disappointment and uncertainty doesn’t mean you won’t get other, better opportunities.  And, equally as important, it doesn’t mean that you got nothing out of getting your hopes up.  If you are consciously using this time to build something, to prepare for the future, to prepare yourself for great accomplishments, then you’ve gotten more out of it than you had really even hoped for.

It is, of course, all very much easier said than done.  We’re all conditioned to “not get our hopes up.”  Fear of disappointment keeps us from realizing opportunities and potential.  But no good thing ever comes without effort.  And really, I promise, if you make the effort to change how you perceive hope and failure, only good things will come of it.  Use your hope, when you have it, to shore yourself up for the times when you won’t.  It’s a guaranteed way to avoid giving in to despair.

J. Kevin Tumlinson is the Editor for ViewOnline Magazine at www.viewonline.com. He holds a Masters in Education and has won numerous awards for writing fiction and non-fiction. You may reach him via e-mail at kevin@viewonline.com. He hopes you’ll enjoy reading this enough to come back next time!

The older I get, the more I think about retiring to some place with more trees than people, with streams that flow noisily over rocky beds and paths that wind off into shaded and uncharted land.  It’s a simple sort of plan for retirement – I’d like to wander aimlessly for a while without worrying about getting back to the office any time soon.

What’s funny is that I spent a large chunk of my life growing up doing exactly this sort of exploring.  I lived in an area that was full of trees and trails and places to explore, and I lived a life that was blissfully free of any real responsibility.  “Carefree” would be a pretty accurate if not all together true way to describe my life at that time.  I had cares and worries, I just didn’t…well…care about them as much.  My chief worry was whether or not the cute girl I liked would “like me back,” and the focus of that concern changed every week or so.

So I spent my childhood exploring woods, following trails and generally getting to know my own thoughts and passions and personality on a “one on one” basis (me being the one).  And now, at just barely over thirty (I’ll be thirty-three in October), I’m already thinking I’d like to drop everything and go back to that blissful and unspoiled time, twenty years ago.  It’s funny because I spent so much of that time dreaming of “twenty years from now.”  Looking back becomes looking forward, and you start thinking about ways to make your future more like your past.

Let’s dip into the ol’ corny well for a second -- I believe that every moment has great potential.  I think that every minute of our lives has the same amount of energy and passion and happiness attached to it as any other.  It also has the same amount of sadness and depression and anxiety.  It’s kind of like each moment is the nucleus of an atom, and all these feelings and emotions are the electrons and protons that float in and around it.  I’m not going to make any major assumptions about the level of chemistry or physics everyone has had… but let me say that it’s the stuff other than the nucleus that makes an atom what it is.  The number of electrons floating around in orbit determines its atomic number.  Want to make lead into gold?  Knock about four electrons out of orbit and you have it (hey, send me a private e-mail when you figure out how to do this… I’d like to give it a try!).  The same can be said about every moment of your life.

Life is all about choices.  We make them every moment of the day, whether we’re aware of them or not.  Each moment has the potential to be very positive or very negative, and it solidifies when we make a choice about where our focus should be.  Should we let the chance remark of a friend dictate our mood?  Should we allow a dead car battery to set the tone for our day?  Should a broken belt look throw us into a rage that could cause us to say or do something hurtful?

We make the choice and it’s usually instantaneous, but that doesn’t mean we have to stick to it.  I admit, I have the biggest problem with letting go once I’m mad.  I sometimes let little things get to me in a big way.  In fact, I’m more likely to let the small stuff get to me than the big, truly rough stuff.  But I’ll also admit that when I get ticked off because I stubbed my toe or because someone said something in passing that I took as offensive, it’s me making the choice to be angry.  I’m choosing to let it get to me.  I could choose to let it blow over, but instead I want to rant and rave or hold my silence or huff or whatever other means of expressing my displeasure seems most appropriate.

If you haven’t seen it already, I highly recommend a film called “What the BLEEP Do We Know?!?”  It’s a great exploration of quantum physics and human nature and it takes a look at how our beliefs and thoughts have an effect on our bodies and the world around us.  One of the concepts they explore is the idea that we can be addicted to certain chemicals that our body produces.   When you’re happy, your body manufactures endorphins and other chemicals that make you feel good.  When you’re angry, your body produces chemicals that increase your heart rate and blood flow and you feel a rush of a different sort.  The film looks at the idea that these chemicals can be addictive, just as if you were using an illicit drug.  You can literally become addicted to being angry.  Your choice to let the small stuff get to you, unconscious or otherwise, may be your way of getting a fix.

When I was a kid, exploring the woods and uncharted paths that surrounded my home, I was free of many of the “addictions” I have now.  The small stuff didn’t bother me, and I didn’t take much notice of the big stuff either.  It’s not that I never became sad or angry or frustrated – I did.  I got depressed and mournful and upset just like I do now.  But I had an outlet for these things back then, and I hope for every moment.  It was unconscious and automatic, but I was choosing to live in each moment, full of hope for the next, and exploring its potential.  Somewhere along the way I lost this automatic reflex.  But I can get it back, and so can you.

They say that every habit takes 30-days.  Thirty days to make it, thirty days to break it.  So here’s what I’m proposing.  Why don’t you join me for the next 30 days in forming new habits and breaking old ones?  We’ll focus on making better choices in each moment of our lives.   Instead of sweating the small stuff, we’ll choose to shrug it off and move on.  It’s going to be tough at first, believe me, but after a while it will start to become second nature.  Practice makes perfect, right?

So e-mail me and let me know you’re taking me up on this.  Let’s work on making every moment better than the last, and choosing to follow through on the potential of every one.  And who knows?  Maybe one day we’ll spot each other trouncing care-free through the woods.  You bring the trailmix.

J. Kevin Tumlinson is the Editor for ViewOnline Magazine at www.viewonline.com. He holds a Masters in Education and has won numerous awards for writing fiction and non-fiction. You may reach him via e-mail at kevin@viewonline.com. He is living in a moment that hasn’t gotten here yet.

Maybe it’s the heat.  This past June has been one of the hottest months I can remember, with temperatures in the hundreds on a regular basis.  That’s Houston for you… a hunka-hunka burnin’ love with a smidge of oppressive humidity thrown in for giggles.  But on top of that, everyone seems to be on edge, ticked off, high strung and stressed out.  Like I said, maybe it’s the heat.

I’m the first to admit that I suffer from a bit of road rage every now and then.  I’ve been known to use the driving finger (third one from the left).  I’ve also had a history of dredging out some pretty colorful metaphors, all in an attempt to explain to passing motorists my immense displeasure at their choice of driving styles.  And sometimes their mothers.

But for the most part, I’m downright courteous on the road.  I use my signal, I usually don’t speed, I’m aware of the traffic around me.  The occasional slips in driving judgment probably bother me more than they tick off the drivers around me because, frankly, I’m just arrogant enough to be mad at myself because I should have known better.

But for the past week, I’ve noticed that there is an awful lot of road rage directed my way.   People are just mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.  Whatever “it” might be.  For the most part, it seems to be things they can’t control, like the pace of traffic or the missing of an exit.  And so I’ve been privy lately to a whole string of driving fingers, shaken heads, hands thrown up in frustration and even a couple of people just downright trying to run me off the road. 

What the heck causes this road rage stuff anyway?  There are actually studies on the subject, and it’s interesting stuff.   There’s a psychology at work here that it’s obvious most psychiatrists do not yet understand.  There are strange little facts emerging that tell an odd and interesting story.  For example, one study found that certain smells have an effect on road rage.  Oddly enough, the smell of fast food can trigger it, while the smell of coffee can actually calm it.  Vanilla is another calming scent helping the driver remain focused and peaceful while jasmine is actually a little TOO calming, causing more accidents and, vicariously, more road rage.

My personal feelings on the subject?  There are just too freakin’ many of us.  We can barely MOVE out there!  It’s like trying to drive through a herd of buffalo.  Everyone’s in a big hurry, no one’s going to the same place, and everybody thinks their plans are way more important than everyone else’s.  Which is just silly… because obviously MY plans are the most important of all.

Driving is such a solitary thing.  Even when there are people in the car with you, it’s still basically you against the world.  You have to be aware of other cars.  You have to monitor your speed.  You have to observe traffic and warning signs.  You have to navigate through a minefield of construction, road obstacles, parked cars, pedestrians…  With all of this responsibility on your shoulders it’s no wonder people snap and get outraged at the little things.  There’s so much to pay attention to when you’re driving, and one false move could kill you or someone else.  No wonder people start to think the world is out to get them.

So what do you do about it?  Pack up and move to Amish country?  Take up long distance running?  Move to the coast and drive a boat to work?  There are a lot of options, but frankly I just wouldn’t want to give up my car.  Driving gives you a certain level of independence and freedom.  It’s you in control of a massive chunk of metal and barely contained explosive material.  Who WOULDN”T thrive on that?  And who wouldn’t start to get a little narcissistic after a while?  It’s all about ME when I’m driving, right?  So of course I get mad when someone cuts me off.  Hey buddy, I’m DRIVING here!

We talk about taking vacations from our jobs, but maybe what we really need is a vacation from driving.  Maybe it would be best to just lose my keys for a while?  I’d have to walk to the office, but at least I’d be getting exercise.  But really, deep down, I know I could never do that.  I could never turn over the keys, tighten up my laces and give up driving.  It’s the heat.  It’s too freakin’ hot out there.

J. Kevin Tumlinson is the Editor for ViewOnline Magazine at www.viewonline.com. He holds a Masters in Education and has won numerous awards for writing fiction and non-fiction. You may reach him via e-mail at kevin@viewonline.com. The heat has given him Keyboard Rage.