My grandfather used to say, "I never got a thing I didn't ask for." I live my life by this deceptively simple little phrase. At first, it seems sort of obvious -- a "no brainer." If you want something, you should ask for it.

See, that's where my grandfather's genius comes in. This simple, soft spoken man knew a thing or two about human nature. And buried in this 9-word phrase is a statement about the duality of life, the complexity of the universe, and the need to take responsibility for our actions.

The obvious stuff is right on the surface. If you want something, ask for it. What's the worst that can happen? Someone will say "no?" In that case, you're no further along then you were before, but you're also no further behind. You have exactly what you had BEFORE you asked the question.

On the other hand, they might say "yes." In which case, now you've made a step forward, you have something you wanted, and the price was putting a tiny bit of your ego and pride on the line and asking for it.

Usually when you ask for something, however, the answer is more along the lines of, "You can have it if you pay for it." Now we're getting into some of that universal complexity I mentioned earlier. This response is just a way for the OTHER person to ask for what THEY want. It can be translated as: "This is my price for what you want. Will you give me what I want in exchange for what you want?"

Now the two of you have established the nature of a temporary relationship. You want something, they want something, and now you must both come to an agreement on the worth of your wants. Is that piece of candy worth a dollar? Are you willing to trade that computer for a hundred bucks? When the two of you have come to an agreement on what constitutes "a fair exchange" you'll both get what you were asking for (notice, though, that I didn't say "EQUAL exchange..." In this case, that means that one of you was also "asking" for a "profit." See? Complex, huh?).

Ok, I can hear the groans and sighs, the comments of "C'mon, Kev, this is basic economics." Sure... that's true. Of course, my grandfather's statement goes well beyond the bounds of supply and demand. Half the time, we go through life not even realizing that we're PAYING for things we could have gotten FREE. On top of that, we often allow all sorts of inconveniences and injustices to occur in our lives that could have been avoided all together if we simply asked enough questions.

I have a sad example. Sad, because it happened to ME.

I have this thing about the phone. I don't want people having my home number. There is that upper echelon of family and friends from whom I'm happy to get a ring. But then there are the sales calls, the telemarketers, and the people and organizations seeking donations over the phone (a major no-no, by the way... never donate money over the phone. That's a column for another time!). These are people I DO NOT want to have my number.

The problem is, they always seemed to get it. And so I would have the standard phone-call-at-dinner situation every night. And it didn't seem to matter if my number changed, they always found me.

When I moved this past month, however, I decided to ask for something I wanted. When I set up my phone service, I asked, "Can we make sure my number isn't listed? Like...anywhere?"

"No problem," was the reply. They informed me that the privacy act gives me the right to request that all my contact information be kept confidential. That's cool, but it's not what makes this story sad. I started thinking about it and I realized that it isn't the phone company I have to worry about -- it's all the OTHER people I give my number to on a regular basis. For example, when I called to transfer some of my services and subscriptions, they asked for my phone number. In the past, I always just gave it without really thinking. This time, however, I declined. And you know what? They accepted that answer! In a way, I was asking to be kept out of the "machine" of telemarketing and sales calls, and they said, "ok!"

That's what makes that story sad - I was an idiot for not thinking of it sooner! Your contact information is as private as you want it to be. Don't be fooled by retailers, magazines or anyone into thinking that giving away your information is required. Ask them to respect your privacy.


Ok... getting what you want... that's one part of my grandfather's words of wisdom. But I mentioned "duality," and so far I've only elaborated on one concept. So here's the other side of the coin -- responsibility.

See, my grandfather didn't limit himself on when he'd use this phrase. He'd say it as a proclamation of success when he got something he wanted, he'd say it as advice when I or someone else complained that we didn't have something, and he'd also say it when he or someone else had screwed up and paid the consequences for it.

It became a statement of responsibility. "I never got a thing I didn't ask for." This time, you can read it as, "I just got a speeding ticket for driving too fast." Or maybe, "I got punched in the mouth because I called that guy a name." Or "I got arrested because I was caught smoking a joint." In other words, your actions were asking for trouble and you got it.

People hate to take responsibility. I'm as guilty of that as anyone. I tend to think of myself as the hero of this little action/drama/comedy we call life, and that means that in the end I'm "justified." But the truth is, we're all the main character of this story. None of us is a bit player, we're all responsible for what we do. And so, the consequences of our actions come to us because we asked for them.

So there it is, the duality of the universe splayed before you in a simple, 9-word phrase. It's simple but complex - just like ALL great advice. And you might think you've nailed me - "I didn't ask for your advice," you might say. But you're wrong! You read this, which means you wanted to take something away from it (knowledge, entertainment, something) and you got what you asked for! See how that works? Complicated, ain't it?

Believe me, I never got a THING that I didn't ask for. And neither have you.

J. Kevin Tumlinson is the Editor for ViewOnline Magazine at www.viewonline.com. He holds a Masters in Education and has won numerous awards for writing fiction and non-fiction. You may reach him via e-mail at kevin@viewonline.com. He's asking you to.