Now I know there have always been problems with the whole "movie" experience. People bring their screaming two-year-old to a horror flick. Someone decides that during the quiet scenes is the perfect time to crack jokes about the main character's hair style. The guy in the back row forgets to turn off his cel phone and of all things TAKES the call! These are common annoyances. We've come to accept them. And even though we just shelled out $7.50 for a ticket and thirty bucks for a tub of popcorn and a small soda, we've come to accept these things as "part of the experience." We don't like it, but we'll put up with it in small doses.

But I can't turn my cheek to one particularly annoying phenomenon... the movie theater commercial.
Remember the aforementioned $7.50? The over-priced popcorn and sodas? For the most part you're just not getting your butt into a seat without dropping at least twenty bucks for the privilege. And I know, they say that most of a theaters money is actually made on concessions. I get that. Still, $3.50 for a small bottle of water I could have gotten for 50-cents in a vending machine seems a little on the high side. And if I'm going to shell out coin of that caliber, I want certain assurances.
The biggest is that I won't be "sold to." I mean, Holy Hannah I could have stayed home and watched commercials for FREE.

I know I'm not alone in this, but I just don't see anything being done about it. I just really resent the fact that I have PAID to see a Coca-cola commercial. Or worse, the brain-numbing FANTA commercials that usually make me change the channel at home are now 12-foot high and louder than a NASA shuttle launch. And I have two choices... leave my hard-won seat in the middle of the theater and go into the lobby for the next thirty minutes or grit my teeth and subject myself to the same garbage I left home to avoid.

This whole thing infuriates me to the point that I've had to develop a strategy for exacting revenge. It's one I think will work, but we have to all ban together on it. We, the movie-going audience as a whole, have to start billing the movie theaters. Time for some Convoluted Kevin Logic™!

It's the only way, and it's only logical. I just paid $7.50 for entry. The theater has just subjected me to commercials that the advertisers hope will encourage me to spend conceivably hundreds of dollars on their products. It's a cinch that the advertisers PAID to place those ads there. Therefore, it stands to reason that I should receive a share of that money, plus the $7.50 as a return. And on top of that, they also owe me for two hours of labor at my usual hourly rate.

At this point I'm no longer a movie patron but a member of an advertising demographic. The movie theaters intend that the advertising will persuade me to buy products so the advertisers make more money that they can spend on more advertising in movie theaters. I'm earning the theaters money, therefore going to the movies is a "job." Labor laws are pretty strict on charging people to work at their own job.

In addition, since I'm part of a targeted demographic I am what's considered "skilled labor." I have the skills (i.e. I am capable of watching an advertisement, being persuaded and buying a product) that the advertisers are looking for. As skilled labor, I can set my own pay scale, which means I can demand much more than minimum wage as long as I keep my rates reasonable.

As movie goers, each time we go to a movie and watch an advertisement, we need to be invoicing the theater owners for our time. Believe me, after paying an audience of a hundred for three hours of sitting on their butts eating popcorn and watching "Titanic 2: Electric Boogaloo," they'll start to get the message real quick.

While we're at it, let's bill the MPAA for all of the product placement!

And since we're on the subject of "pay to be advertised to," why are there commercials on Satellite and Cable television? I can understand ads on channels that broadcast "free" programming, but why am I paying extra money for all of those cable channels if they're making big bucks from advertisers?

Call me picky, but I'm billing all of 'em.